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Are You Smarter Than a Nerd? (Transcript)
Phineas and Ferb were sitting under the tree in their backyard with Isabella and Baljeet. Irving came though the gate. Irving: Hey, guys! Phineas: Hi, Irving! Isabella: Hey! Baljeet: Hello, Irving! Irving: Guess what? You know the annual Danville Quiz Bee's today, right? Phineas: Yeah, there's flyers everywhere. Is Albert competing this year? Irving: Is Albert competing this year? I don't know. You tell me. Albert! Irving stepped aside as Albert came striding through the gate, holding aloft a large trophy reading Danville Quiz Bee, First Prize. Isabella: Impressive. Albert: Hey, guys. And Irving, what are you supposed to call me today? Irving: (sigh) "Exalted King of the Nerds." You know, I'm just gonna shorten it to Albert. Albert: (not listening) Fine, Irving. Now as you know, the annual Danville Quiz Bee is today, and as usual, I plan to take home first prize. September Mackintosh: Is that so? She was standing by the gate, and everyone jumped. Irving: Yah! How did you do that? Phineas: You know, for someone in loud rainbow socks, you're very good at appearing out of nowhere. September: Thank you, Phineas. Now as I was about to say, I don't think so! Albert: Oh yes? Well, unfortunately for you, I am the best half nerd, half ninja in Danville. Irving: Albert, you're the only half nerd, half ninja in Danville. Albert: Shut up, Irving. That first prize is as good as mine. You're never going to make it, if you're thinking of entering. September: You? The kid who's always whipping around those stupid nunchucks? Albert: Are you calling these nunchucks stupid? He took them out and began whipping them around. September: As a matter of fact, I am. Nunchucks are nothing compared to karate. Albert: (stops) You know karate? September: Yeah. I have a black belt. Albert: Well, I don't care. (stops again) Where did you learn karate? September: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. Where'd you get the nunchucks? Albert: Years ago, I trained with monk masters of kung fu in a hidden monastery in the Himalayas, learning to balance on spears and use all manner of weapons. I received these nunchucks as a parting gift. A needle scratch was heard. Everyone except Irving stared at Albert. September: (to Irving) That's not true, is it? Baljeet: Seems highly unlikely. Irving: He did go missing one summer from our apartment. It could be true. Nobody knows. September: .....Impressive. But it'll take more than some nunchucks to beat me in a competition of smarts. Albert: Oh yeah? You're not even a nerd! September: Excuse me, yes I am! Albert: Yeah? Do you have any nerd words? September: Nerd what? Albert: Ha! You haven't got nerd words yet, so you aren't a real nerd! And I'm going to have that trophy! Come on, Irving! He grabbed Irving by the collar and marched out of the backyard. (beat) Phineas: That went well.... September: I thought I wasn't going to be able to hold up until he left! Did you see the way he tossed around those nunchucks? (blushes, then pulls herself together) But he won't beat me! I am going to win that first prize. Hang on, I'll get my quiz materials! She ran out the gate. Ferb: ...So, it's war of the nerds, then? Baljeet: But Albert said she did not have any nerd words 'yet'. ...Does this mean nerd words could be gained? ~ Inside the house, Perry shifted aside the logs in the fireplace and jumped in. When he landed on his chair he was covered in soot. Major Monogram: Yeouch! I'd forgotten about that tunnel, Agent P. Sorry. I do remember this happened before. We've moist towellettes left over. A mechanical arm offered a tiny moist towelette to Perry, who declined. Major Monogram: Ahem. Now, Agent P. We have stationed operatives in Doofenshmirtz's home and observed him building something sinister. Recent purchases of his involve wires, lightbulbs, and....er.....a Bernard the Blue Bear video? Really? Well, anyway, put a stop to it, Agent P! Agent P saluted and rockets off in his hovercraft. Carl: You know I'm technically not an operative, right? Perry eventually landed on the D.E.I. roof and dropped through the ceiling. Immediately, a cage dropped down on him. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hello, Perry the Platypus! Sorry about the drab cage, but I'm low on resources at the moment. No time for elaborate traps right now. It's backstory tiiiime! (ripple dissolve) A young Heinz was in school, sitting at his desk. Doofenshmirtz Voiceover: You see, Perry the Platypus, back in Gimmelshtump, I was never very smart. ( Little Heinz was called on by the teacher. Doofenshmirtz Voiceover: One day in school, the teacher asked a question about history, and... Young Heinz: The answer is dunkelberries! The class burst out laughing. Doofenshmirtz Voiceover: Right then and there, I vowed to make them pay. I would show them that I was smart! The following year, I entered the spelling bee. I came in last place. Then, I tried to get top marks on a geography test. Again, I came in last. And I won't even go into the science fairs. You remember that story, right, with the volcanoes? Well, this continued for years, with me always coming last! Every time, Perry the Platypus. (flashback ends) Today, Perry the Platypus, is the Danville Quiz Bee. All those smart kids, hanging around acting cool. Ooh, I hate it! But today, I have a trick up my sleeve! (pulls curtain away from small inator) Behold! The Dumb-inator! Perry pulled off his hat, stuck his whole arm in up to the shoulder, and began rooting around, finally pulling out a small file and filing on the bars. ~ September: Psssh. A hidden monastery? I doubt it. He probably bought them at the store...or something..... She took another swallow of water. Phineas: Okay, so we've gone through all the training questions. You seem ready. September: No! That's it, don't you get it? I can't just be ready. I've got to beat the boy who took first prize last summer if I don't want to be ridiculed every day for the rest of our lives! I have to be super-ultra ready! Baljeet: Actually, did he not win the summer before last too? September: ...Do shut up. Come on, you can quiz me while we bike over! Isabella: I'll go get my bike! See ya there! Baljeet: Me too, I suppose. But I biked over here, so I can join you. Phineas: Okay, then. Come on, guys! ~ Doofenshmirtz: You see, Perry the Platypus, the Dumb-inator will immediately sap the smarts out of anyone it hits, and, when I put this little cap on here, will transfer them to me, making me smarter! And, you know, since they're all brainy nerds down there, I'll be supersmart or something. (buckles on skullcap with wires coming out hooked to the inator) Now, who should I hit? Maybe that girl, she looks brainy. No, wait, that kid with the black hair. Wait, what's that boy over there doing? Nunchucks? Who brings nunchucks to a quiz competition? Oh, oh, but he's got last year's trophy! I'll hit him, then! He aimed the inator at Albert. Just then, Perry sawed through the cage bars and jumped, knocking Doofenshmirtz over. Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Perry the Platypus, lay off! Youch! He seized the trigger and aimer of the inator and stood. Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha! Take that, Perry the Platypus! And that! He fired multiple times as Perry easily avoided the shots. One shot hit a surfer. Announcer: And it's Donolai hanging ten...here comes a wave....oh! He wipes out! Has Donolai forgotten how to surf or what? Doofenshmirtz: Oh! I still have to shoot at the Quiz Bee before it starts! He started to aim, but Perry knocked him over again. ~ (September, Isabella, Baljeet, Phineas, and Ferb arrive at Quiz Bee) Announcer: Aaaand welcome to the Quiz Bee! Contestants, please take your seats. Round One begins now. In Round One everyone will compete, tapping their answers in to the computer before them. Once Round One is over, the top twenty will move on! In Round Two, the same will happen, with the top ten moving on to Round Three! Round Four will be verbal, using buzzers, and the top two will go head-to-head in Round Five. Everyone ready? Good. Question One! What is the capital of Bolivia? September began typing furiously and shooting dirty looks at Albert, who was also typing quickly and shooting dirty looks back at her. ~ Doofenshmirtz: Get off me, Perry the Platypus! He made a mad dash for the inator and seized the trigger. Doofenshmirtz: You can't stop me now! Ha! Take that, nunchuck kid! (fires) (Perry hits the self destrcut button and everything explodes as he flies away on his hang glider) Doofenshmirtz: CURSE YOU, PERRY THE (explosion) PLATYPUS! ~ Announcer: And we are down to Round five! The top two contestants' names are September- (camera pans to September, who waves and smiles as the crowd cheers) and last year's Quiz Bee Champion, Albert! (the crowd cheers louder as Albert holds up the trophy) Good luck, and let Round Five begin! Albert: Yeah, and good luck to September, because she's no match for-(he is hit by the shot from the Dumb-inator)-meap.....(he falls onto the podium and quickly gets up) Announcer: And Albert may be suffering last-minute stress! Hang in there, Albert! Question One! What is the Latin name for a butterfly? September hits the buzzer while Albert stands there looking confused) September: Lepidoptera! Announcer: Correct! And the score is September one, Albert zero! Question two! (on the sidelines) Isabella: Is something wrong? Albert doesn't look so good. Irving: Yeah, he should have gotten that. I quizzed him about Latin words before the Quiz Bee started! Phineas: That is kinda weird. Irving: Hmph. Well, if I know Albert, he's gonna win. (cups hands around mouth) Go, Albert! Announcer: Before we go on to question ten out of twenty, we will have a short intermission! September: Wow, Albert. I thought you were the champion ninja nerd. But you're easier to beat than my little brother! Albert: I don't understand. They're asking hard stuff! September: But you know all this stuff. They even asked where do nunchucks come from and you got it wrong. How did you do that? Albert: I...I don't know. I don't know! I know all this stuff. I'm supposed to win, but...I don't remember anything! What the heck is wrong with me? September: I don't know. But whatever it is, you better hope it stops before intermission ends, because your score is still zip. Are you sure it's not karma? Announcer: Aaaand we're back! Contestants, take your positions! (Albert groans and facepalms, leaning on the podium) ~ Later, Albert, September, Irving, Baljeet, Isabella, Phineas, and Ferb were walking home; September is holding the first prize trophy. Isabella: Congratulations, September! That sure is a big trophy. Irving: (pouting) Albert, I thought you were gonna win. Albert: I don't know what happened. It was like I didn't know anything. I think it might have worn off now, though. Anyway, next year that trophy will be mine once more. September: Nerd schmerd. I won anyway. Albert tripped over a crack and fell. September: Karma! I told you it was karma. While everyone was watching him, Perry landed in the trophy cup) September: Where did this random platypus come from? Phineas: Oh, there, you are, Perry! September: That's Perry? Man! I thought he was a dog! (end of episode) Category:Fanon Works Category:Transcripts